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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

When is it not enough?

Dear readers,

On a recent episode of Grey's Anatomy, Meredith broke up with Dr. McDreamy saying, "it's not enough." That got me thinking. I have often found myself in an untenable situation. The guy isn't giving me what I want, and he likely never will. But still I persist. So where do I draw the line? When do I say, "it's not enough?"

It's so hard to know the difference between having unreasonable expectations and having perfectly reasonable ones that aren't being met because the guy is wrong for you. I think at our core, we know when it's not enough. It's sheer willfulness and naivete that leads us to think that it ever will be enough. I once dated a guy who lived in the valley, loved staying in, watching football and eating at chain restaurants. Even more importantly, he didn't intellectually challenge me or put any butterflies in my stomach. I knew that what he was offering me just wasn't enough. But still the relationship lingered on for a couple of months. He's sweet and successful and not dumb and sort of handsome, I told myself. Come on...is that really enough? In hindsight, it's obvious that it's not, but in the moment, I was actually able to reconcile that maybe, just maybe he could be a good guy to date.

At least in that case, he was a nice guy. He wasn't enough, but he wasn't a jerk. A guy my friend dated talked a big game about being crazy about her. She told him she wasn't interested in casual sex and was only interested in moving forward in the relationship if he wanted to be serious. "But of course," he says...until of course she does sleep with him. At which point he tells her that his definition of being a boyfriend doesn't particularly include calling her or seeing her often. So basically he's offering occasional sex and some conversation when and if he feels like it. Gee, great! That sure as hell isn't enough, and yet still she found herself a bit torn. Wouldn't occasional company be better than none at all? Well actually the tough but true answer is that no, it isn't enough and it's a waste of your time to pretend otherwise. That occasional company might make you feel better in the moment, but it's sure to leave you emptier later. And every minute you're with Mr. Not Enough is a moment you're not meeting Mr. More Than You'd Hoped For!

Now if I could just get those words, "it's not enough," to roll off my tongue as easily as they did on TV...




Blogger Paquito Tuntún said...

"It's so hard to know the difference between having unreasonable expectations and having perfectly reasonable ones that aren't being met because the guy is wrong for you"

is it? well, it could be that im a guy , but i dont think its that hard to distinguish between those two. i think its got a lot to do with self esteem and the question "could i score someone better?" if you believe you deserve better than mr. not enough , that´s the key i think. and its not unreasonable for a girl to ask for a man who will talk sweet to her and , you know, not be a jerk , open doors walk on the street side, treat her good and dont see the girl as inferior. and of course having the patience and self restraint to regularly give her orgasms. the question is whether or not a woman knows she deserves to be treated right, if you ask me. i have come to believe all of this from my experience with friends and girlfriends, low self esteem or making compromises as to who they date and stuff but then everyones different i guess. i think the mantra you should have in your brain to get "its not enough" to roll off your tongue should be "i deserve better than this"

-paquito tuntún

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Calling off a relationship b/c "it's not enough" can be tough. In January, I called off a 3 years relationship that I had known for about 1 year was not enough. I'd known I needed to call it quits, but didn't have the balls to do it. For everyone involved, when you realize "it's not enough", take the steps to end the relationship sooner than later.

3:44 PM  

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