< Love Biatch: October 2005 < Love Biatch >

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Love stank

Dear readers,

As I mentioned, I've started internet dating again. The difference this time, though, is the fact that I am not looking to get into a relationship. In fact, I am determined not to fall for anyone. Why would I avoid love you ask? Because I'm trying to decide if I want a job in NY, and getting confused about some new guy would only muck up the decision. So I'm dating to kill some time, but I don't expect it to lead anywhere. Can it be a coincidence then that I am doing better than ever with the fellas?

Men can smell desperation. They can smell our hopes and dreams of a white wedding and 2.5 kids as if it's a bad case of B.O. We don't like to admit it, but whether we think we are or not, we are projecting that little fantasy world into the ether, and they, hearkening back to their caveman ways, can sense it. That being said, when we aren't looking, is when the men always seem to come running.

Right now, I don't really care whether any of these internet guys call me back after the first date. And lo and behold, most of them are calling back. And yet, there have been a number of times this year when a guy I really liked didn't bother to call back. I have no doubt that it's my new laissez faire attitude that is keeping these guys interested. I'm in the moment rather than 20 steps ahead. And that "here and now" attitude is clearly more attractive to men than the subtle neediness I unwittingly project to them.

Now if I could just figure out how to keep this attitude once my career is all squared away and I am actually back on the market. Maybe I just have to bear in mind that my heart's been broken before and it'll likely get broken again. But there's always a new guy around the corner to intrigue me all over again, so there's no use getting ahead of myself with the one at hand.

Love,

Biatch

Love, business style

I'm a big fan of making lists. I like to organize things in bullet point fashion - clear, concise and to the point. I suppose that's what an business education will do for you, right? That said, it's not always as simple as making a nice neat list. I recently tried my hand at internet dating again. Not so much because I was looking for love, but I was looking to kill sometime, and a bevy of blind dates are an easy and pleasant way of doing it (free drinks! conversation! the occasional good night kiss!)

Unlike previous attempts at internet dating, I've met not one, not two, but four guys I like in just a couple of weeks. Who knew killing time could be so fruitful? Obviously I can't keep this up for long because it either has to get more serious or end, and even I, a serial dater, can't balance 4 almost boyfriends. So today I tried to make some rank order lists.

The 4 guys are: the Welsh guy, the HR guy, the Annapolis guy and the Atlanta guy. First I did the easiest, rank ordered in descending hotness. Annapolis guy came out on top. Then rank ordered by earning potential, Welsh guy came out on top here. But the most important proved to be the hardest to do - rank ordered by personality. Obviously all the good looks and money in the world don't make for a great relationship if the personality is a total mismatch (I'm certain some of my LA neighbors beg to differ, but I'm a talker, I need someone who I enjoy talking with!) It turns out that right now the guys are in a pretty dead heat. I don't know them well enough yet to know whether or not I really like their personalities or if they were just on good first and second date behavior. As I've said before, even Ted Bundy seemed charming at first, so it takes a little while to really sort the whole personality thing out.

The funniest bit is that despite the fact that he doesn't come out on top of any of the lists yet, HR guy might just be my favorite. I suppose that just proves that unlike nearly everything else I deal with, my love life can't be figured out with some excel equations and a nifty PowerPoint presentation. =sum(looks, earning potential, personality^2)

Love,

Biatch

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Heartbreaker?

Dear readers,

My friend Jerry is a total catch. In fact he's so nice that I kick myself every time we hang out for not liking him liking him. He is kind, attentive, smart and does things like bring a girlfriend a cupcake when she's having a bad day. Given all of that, it's always educational for me when he tells me about his love life.

Last week, Jerry told me a story. He got set up on a Saturday night. The girl was nice enough but he had no interest in seeing her again so he simply never called. She called him on Thursday the following week to see what he was up to. He asked me what on earth he was supposed to do since he didn't want to see her again. Obviously my allegiance is to Jerry in this scenario but I can't help but feel bad for this poor oblivious girl! Of course she likes him, he's great...the sad bit is she has no idea that her call has elicited horror rather than delight from him. Wouldn't you just die to know that's the effect your call had?

So what's it all mean?
  1. Even nice guys sometimes don't like you back. Regardless, it's ok to think he's a jerk for hurting your feelings.
  2. If he doesn't call you, it's not because he lost his phone/got abducted by aliens/got really busy. It's because he didn't want to call you. Take the hint and don't make things worse by calling him. I know this and yet I can still convince myself that it might be ok to call him. Yes, sometimes I too am delusional.
  3. There is no good way to tell someone you hardly know that you don't feel like getting to know them better. Just never calling them again is as good as any option. Some guys opt for the direct route and call to say they never want to see you again. It is nice to get closure rather than just never knowing what happened, but you only really get closure if the guy is willing to give you a post mortem on what went wrong. If they can't give you any specifics that you can use for future reference, then what's the use?
  4. Truly nice guys at least have the decency to blow you off right away rather than sticking around long enough to sleep with you. He hurts your feelings but he doesn't waste your time or use you...not so bad now is it?

One day some lucky girl will snag Jerry, and she'll get treated like a princess. Until then, he's bound to break some hearts!

Love,

Biatch

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

When is it not enough?

Dear readers,

On a recent episode of Grey's Anatomy, Meredith broke up with Dr. McDreamy saying, "it's not enough." That got me thinking. I have often found myself in an untenable situation. The guy isn't giving me what I want, and he likely never will. But still I persist. So where do I draw the line? When do I say, "it's not enough?"

It's so hard to know the difference between having unreasonable expectations and having perfectly reasonable ones that aren't being met because the guy is wrong for you. I think at our core, we know when it's not enough. It's sheer willfulness and naivete that leads us to think that it ever will be enough. I once dated a guy who lived in the valley, loved staying in, watching football and eating at chain restaurants. Even more importantly, he didn't intellectually challenge me or put any butterflies in my stomach. I knew that what he was offering me just wasn't enough. But still the relationship lingered on for a couple of months. He's sweet and successful and not dumb and sort of handsome, I told myself. Come on...is that really enough? In hindsight, it's obvious that it's not, but in the moment, I was actually able to reconcile that maybe, just maybe he could be a good guy to date.

At least in that case, he was a nice guy. He wasn't enough, but he wasn't a jerk. A guy my friend dated talked a big game about being crazy about her. She told him she wasn't interested in casual sex and was only interested in moving forward in the relationship if he wanted to be serious. "But of course," he says...until of course she does sleep with him. At which point he tells her that his definition of being a boyfriend doesn't particularly include calling her or seeing her often. So basically he's offering occasional sex and some conversation when and if he feels like it. Gee, great! That sure as hell isn't enough, and yet still she found herself a bit torn. Wouldn't occasional company be better than none at all? Well actually the tough but true answer is that no, it isn't enough and it's a waste of your time to pretend otherwise. That occasional company might make you feel better in the moment, but it's sure to leave you emptier later. And every minute you're with Mr. Not Enough is a moment you're not meeting Mr. More Than You'd Hoped For!

Now if I could just get those words, "it's not enough," to roll off my tongue as easily as they did on TV...

Love,

Biatch