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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Getting screwed

An excerpt from a comment posted on the site:

I was engaged to a woman who I thought was my princess. She lives in Manila, and I live in Hawaii. I saw her every 2 months for 18 months. Then I quit a very high paying management position and moved to Bangkok to start a business to be closer to her. I gave her everything, but I was not buying her love. I brought her to Bangkok twice and things didn't feel right. I asked her many times if there was a problem and told her she could tell me anything, but she claimed everything was fine.

I went to Manila in July and left to come back to Maui on the 28th. On the 8th of this month, I received an anonymous email telling me about her real life with another guy. It included dates and places, more then I wanted to know. I finally got in touch with her the next day, and she finally admitted the truth. She said we would talk later that night, but I received an email from her wishing me good luck, and that was it. I never found out who where when why. In the end, she took the money I'd given her for our wedding to live with someone else.

Do the words "I love you" really mean anything? We said it till the day I left. She had my trust, freedom, love, understanding, commitment, everything she ever desired. How could this have happened?


Dear Tom,

It sounds like you got taken for a ride. There are jerks and then there are JERKs. The former is your run of the mill person who stomps on your feelings a bit. The latter is the kind of person who is so scummy that she not only lives a double life, but also has the nerve to steal your money to be someone else. Unfortunately, people like this are good at manipulating and lying, so it may be impossible to decipher fact from fiction.

A couple signs you're being screwed over

  1. Is the relationship lopsided? If you're the one putting in all the effort (moving, spending tons of money, changing jobs, etc), something is wrong. Good relationships may not be perfectly balanced, but they don't require you to do all the hard work.
  2. Have you caught her in lies before? Lying gets easier the more you do it. If you catch someone in a lie, bear in mind that they'll only be getting better at it next time around.
  3. If you know something is clearly wrong and your sig-O refuses to admit it, don't feel like you're the crazy one. If you really know in your heart of hearts that something is off, you're probably right. Be very wary if things feel "off" for too long...the ax will fall sooner or later.

Tom, it sounds like you treated her well. This isn't necessarily about whether you did everything perfectly or not. She clearly had ulterior motives and she took advantage of your kindness. Being kind simply can't guarantee you someone's love or even reciprocal kindness.

The words "I love you" can mean something profound. But they are also just words, and sadly people can say them without meaning them. My favorite song when I was a kid was a rock ballad called "More than Words." In that song, the singer talks about saying "I love you" isn't enough, you have to show that you love the person. Now I'm pretty sure he's actually using that as justification to get laid, but the sentiment is right. Love is something you show in your every day behavior. The words alone are not enough because clearly a JERK can say them pretty convincingly if she wants to.

Be strong...I know you feel awful now. It'll take time, but you won't feel this bad forever. Next time, be a bit more careful with your heart (and your money) and make the next woman really earn your trust and love.




Blogger seductivebrittaney323z said...

It is imperative to recognize the weaknesses of a relationship. There are glaring mistakes that each one commits but are sometimes ignored. Usually, this kind of situation leads to a break up. However, it is fitting that you begin to understand that everything must follow its own path and that you deserve another crack at true romance.
Many people keep in mind that when something ends, better things might be coming for them.

12:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At the risk of sounding totally un-PC, your situation is not unusual.

You're a pretty successful guy, possibly older, looking to settle down and probably quite lonely. You find a delightfully feminine girl in Philippines/Thailand/Russia and strike up a relationship which you commit to wholeheartedly. The monetary imbalance is overwhelmingly in your favour and you find yourself 'putting out' more, perhaps you send her some money to support herself, perhaps you pay for airfares and, in this case, a wedding.

Then you discover you've been duped.

I'm not suggesting that all girls from the aforementioned countries are gold-diggers but if you are in a relationship where you are significantly wealthier than your partner, you do have to watch out.

Especially if the girls are from a background where they are really struggling, they can justify taking advantage of your trust and loneliness.
The desire to secure a monetary advantage for themselves may even mean they will claim to affection they won't necessarily feel simply for expediency. This is not a judgment on them, who knows what choices we would do in their situation.

As much as it may be really demoralising to muddy the waters of romance with monetary considerations, if you are dealing with a girl who is significantly less well off that you, a girl in another country whom you see very rarely, a girl whom you have not had the benefit of introducing to your friends to garner an objective opinion, then these are all red flags advising caution. You do have to take care and even get a background check if necessary. It may sound incredibly cynical and unromantic but to do otherwise would be pure foolishness. And the right girl will only pass with flying colours...

9:31 PM  

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