< Love Biatch: September 2005 < Love Biatch >

Friday, September 30, 2005

Waiting Game

Dear Biatch,

I met a great guy the other night and now I'm waiting for his call. It's killing me! How do I deal?

Lauren

Lauren,

Waiting for a call may be one of the worst parts of dating (and believe me I can come up with a lot of bad things about dating!) It's agony wondering will he or won't he. And unfortunately you can't make it happen. First and foremost, forget women's lib, you can't call him. If he wants to talk to you, he'll call. So all you can do is get on with your life and hope for the best. I know, I know...it's next to impossible to do. He seemed so great when you met him, right? So you think to yourself, of course he'll call. But then you remember all the times when you thought that about someone else and he didn't call...so now you're back to wondering if he'll call. Vicious circle, huh?

So here's what you do. Make plans with your girlfriends, read a good book, watch some TiVo...whatever it takes to keep you from obsessing. If he's as great as he seemed, he'll call. If he doesn't, try not to feel too bad, since realistically he didn't know you in the first place. I know that's easier said than done, so it's certainly ok to be pissed off at him for not being as great as you'd hoped.

For now they stay busy and stay hopeful. His time isn't up yet!

Love,

Biatch

Monday, September 26, 2005

Flaccid Willy Syndrome

Dear Biatch,

I love my new boyfriend, I really do. But he has sexual problems and I'm getting a little worried about it. At first I thought it was just nerves, but it's a pretty regular thing. Is there something wrong with me or something I should do?

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

Yes, there is something you should do...run! Run like the wind, seriously. I'm assuming by sexual problems you mean flaccid willy syndrome and not some predilection for something that's only legal in Amsterdam. Look, if it's the first or second time your man can't get it up, no biggie (literally, ha!) You should be the patient girlfriend and don't make him feel guilty about it. I know it's our inclination to blame it on ourselves, but by doing so we actually just make him feel worse and make the situation even more stressful. You are a naked and willing woman, it's unlikely you're the problem. More likely he's stressed or nervous or tired or something of that variety. These things shouldn't be consistent though...he can't be stressed or nervous or tired all the time, right? So if his dangly bits regularly fail to rise to the occasion, then you have to wonder what's going on. If this is someone you've been with for ages and truly love in a deep abiding way, then talk to him about seeing a doctor and figuring out if it's medically or emotionally driven. If he won't go, be done with him.

But Miranda here said this is a new boyfriend. If you really think he's otherwise wonderful, you can give him the benefit of the doubt and forewarn him that the lack of sex is a problem for you, but I'm sure he would have fixed the problem already if he could have that easily. Life's too short not to get laid, especially by the man you love and are actually dating. Maybe he's on antidepressants? Maybe he has mommy issues. Maybe he can only get it up if you wear a chicken outfit. Who knows, who cares. Once you've given him a fair shot to discuss whatever is going on with you, there's nothing to do but move on.

A girl I know, let's call her Dove Ciatch, has faced this problem before, and let me tell you...no amount of patience or effort was enough to fix a truly sexually dysfunctional man. If it isn't a medical problem that can be addressed with treatment, then it is a psychological one, and that takes a lot of time, effort and a very willing man to fix. Unless he is perfection incarnate (and let's face it, what are the chances that Prince Charming has a limp dick?), then it just isn't worth your while. Tough love indeed.

Love,

Biatch

Sunday, September 11, 2005

The passive aggressive breakup

Dear Biatch,

I am sick of this guy I've been dating. He's a nice guy and all, but he drives me nuts. The thing is, I can't get up the nerve to break up with him. I hate hurting people's feelings, and I think I'm going to really catch him off guard by dumping him. I've been letting it drag on for a couple of weeks now, avoiding him as much as I can. When I do see him I don't even kiss him much anymore. What do I do?

Lexy

Dear Lexy,

This is what I like to call the passive aggressive breakup. You don't have the nerve to break up with him so you subtly mistreat him for long enough that he eventually gets the picture. Any man with a clue will see that he's about to get dumped, and he may just make it easier on you by just disappearing. In the best of all worlds, we should all grow a pair and break up with someone face to face as soon as we know it's over. Alas, this is not the best of all worlds (if it were I'd be married to Ewan McGregor), so the more assertive breakup doesn't always happen.

I like to think that the average man likes getting dumped even less than the average girl does. Wounded male pride is a bitch ain't it? I'd love to know if men actually prefer to be dumped out right or if they'd rather just get the hint and leave on their own terms. The kindest thing is to pull the band-aid off quickly so he and you can both move on with your lives rather than drag out a bad thing. But I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to be a bit passive aggressive with it. Give him a week or two to get the idea that you aren't so into it anymore so that when you do pull the trigger he isn't totally caught off guard.

If you aren't kissing him anymore, surely he knows something is up. If I were him I'd be asking you what the problem is. If he asks, that's your chance to be honest with him. Don't lie and drag it out further. If he doesn't ask, well then he's being a bit passive himself. Don't let this passive aggressive stage last longer than a couple weeks. Any longer is just cruel and a big waste of time. Also, don't let passive aggressiveness turn into just plain meanness. It's on thing to not seem so interested in more, it's another to actually be rude to him. If you find yourself starting to snap at him or be cruel in hopes of him dumping you, that's not right. The entire purpose of the passive aggressive break up is to prepare him for you doing it later or get him to just mutually end things. It is not to be so awful to him that you push him away.

So Lexy, if you can get up the nerve, go ahead and break up with him ASAP. It sucks to hurt someone's feelings, but having to wonder what's going on is probably pretty painful for him too. It sounds like you've already had your passive aggressive grace period, he likely knows what's coming. So get it over with sooner rather than later!

Love,

Biatch

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Getting screwed

An excerpt from a comment posted on the site:

I was engaged to a woman who I thought was my princess. She lives in Manila, and I live in Hawaii. I saw her every 2 months for 18 months. Then I quit a very high paying management position and moved to Bangkok to start a business to be closer to her. I gave her everything, but I was not buying her love. I brought her to Bangkok twice and things didn't feel right. I asked her many times if there was a problem and told her she could tell me anything, but she claimed everything was fine.

I went to Manila in July and left to come back to Maui on the 28th. On the 8th of this month, I received an anonymous email telling me about her real life with another guy. It included dates and places, more then I wanted to know. I finally got in touch with her the next day, and she finally admitted the truth. She said we would talk later that night, but I received an email from her wishing me good luck, and that was it. I never found out who where when why. In the end, she took the money I'd given her for our wedding to live with someone else.

Do the words "I love you" really mean anything? We said it till the day I left. She had my trust, freedom, love, understanding, commitment, everything she ever desired. How could this have happened?

Tom

Dear Tom,

It sounds like you got taken for a ride. There are jerks and then there are JERKs. The former is your run of the mill person who stomps on your feelings a bit. The latter is the kind of person who is so scummy that she not only lives a double life, but also has the nerve to steal your money to be someone else. Unfortunately, people like this are good at manipulating and lying, so it may be impossible to decipher fact from fiction.

A couple signs you're being screwed over

  1. Is the relationship lopsided? If you're the one putting in all the effort (moving, spending tons of money, changing jobs, etc), something is wrong. Good relationships may not be perfectly balanced, but they don't require you to do all the hard work.
  2. Have you caught her in lies before? Lying gets easier the more you do it. If you catch someone in a lie, bear in mind that they'll only be getting better at it next time around.
  3. If you know something is clearly wrong and your sig-O refuses to admit it, don't feel like you're the crazy one. If you really know in your heart of hearts that something is off, you're probably right. Be very wary if things feel "off" for too long...the ax will fall sooner or later.

Tom, it sounds like you treated her well. This isn't necessarily about whether you did everything perfectly or not. She clearly had ulterior motives and she took advantage of your kindness. Being kind simply can't guarantee you someone's love or even reciprocal kindness.

The words "I love you" can mean something profound. But they are also just words, and sadly people can say them without meaning them. My favorite song when I was a kid was a rock ballad called "More than Words." In that song, the singer talks about saying "I love you" isn't enough, you have to show that you love the person. Now I'm pretty sure he's actually using that as justification to get laid, but the sentiment is right. Love is something you show in your every day behavior. The words alone are not enough because clearly a JERK can say them pretty convincingly if she wants to.

Be strong...I know you feel awful now. It'll take time, but you won't feel this bad forever. Next time, be a bit more careful with your heart (and your money) and make the next woman really earn your trust and love.

Love,

Biatch

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Making my skin crawl

Sometimes a relationship can go from pretty good to oh my lord I'm going to vomit if he comes near me in no time flat. I tend to give new guys the benefit of the doubt. I'll meet a guy, I'll be not so sure of him but "gee he seems nice, I should give him a shot." And then bam! He makes my skin crawl.

I dated Frank for a few weeks. In hindsight, I knew all along that we didn't have much to say to each other. But at the beginning, sheer chemistry and his obvious affection for me were enough. It's hard not to like someone who adores you, isn't it?

At first I knew it wasn't going anywhere, but it was fun. Good enough, right? Then I went through a week or two where I got a bit confused by all of his affection, and I started thinking maybe, just maybe it could work. I think a lot of women are so eager to be loved and to love back that we can mistake being loved for loving back. Of course that little illusion was bound to come crashing down sooner or later, so I shouldn't have been surprised when it did.

Frank was gone on vacation for a couple of weeks. When he left I was fairly happy with him, but then I had 2 weeks to think about how my life was just fine without him. When he got back the mere idea of kissing him was yak inducing, and yet he still adored me just the same as he had 2 weeks prior.

So what happened? My good friend Olivia likes to say "The body never lies" And it's true. Eventually my body realizes the truth even if my brain takes a while to catch up. Nothing really changed between Frank and I during those two weeks, but my body finally decided to send me a message.

Some mental notes for next time...
  1. Don't mistake someone loving you for loving him back.
  2. It's ok to be swept up in the first blushes of love, but don't stop using your head. If you don't have anything to say to each other, the chemistry will wear thin sooner rather than later.
  3. Listen to your body. If it tells you that you don't want to come near a guy, it's probably for a good reason.
  4. People get their hearts broken all the time. A lot of those people are perfectly nice and did nothing to deserve it. It doesn't mean you have to love them back. But you do have to be nice and try to do right by them (easier said than done).

Love,

Biatch