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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

A shoulder to cry on (but not yours)

Dear Biatch,

My ex has been calling me lately. I love being friends with him because I miss having him in my life, but the thing is he wants to talk about his other ex girlfriend to me. I didn't date him that long, but he dated this other girl for years, so I understand that's he's hurting, and I want to be there for him, but I feel weird listening to him talk about someone he obviously cared about more than me. What should I do?

Jacinda

Jacinda,

I know it can be hard to really break all ties with a guy when you break up with him. Being friends can feel nice, but initially that's only because it keeps you from having to face the fact that they are done with you. Look I think you can be friends with an ex eventually, but what you're describing here isn't the right kind of friendship.

You want to be friends with an ex? Talk about your mutual hobbies, sports, weather, TV...whatever. But his dating life is off limits, at least until a significant period of time has passed and there really are NO residual feelings left. It sounds to me like you still really care for him, and not just in a friendly way. Given that, it's essential that you get yourself out of this position. You're his ex, not Dr. Joyce.

Cut the ties for now...tell him you really do want to be friends but more time needs to pass before you're ready. If you absolutely can't do that, then at least tell him you can't talk to him about his other ex. It's simply too tragic for you to have to console someone about something while actually hiding your own hurt feelings. Who's gonna console you, Jacinda?

It's really insensitive of him to even think you might want to offer him love advice. Maybe he doesn't realize it, but if you tell him to stop, then he should be pretty contrite pretty fast if he's actually a good guy. Surely he has another shoulder to cry on besides yours?

Love,

Biatch

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