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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Missing that certain something

Dear Biatch,

I met this guy Nathan a month ago. At first it was wonderful...he was so sweet and thoughtful, and he seemed to really like me. Then out of nowhere he starts acting a little weird last week. I call him just to chat and try to feel him out for if something is wrong. It started out great, but then he tells me, "I think you're really great, but I just feel like something is missing. I'm looking to get married, and I just think I'd know by now if you were the one." What??? It had only been a month, and as far as I knew, it was going great. How could he know so fast, and how could he feel so differently from me? I think if he'd given me a shot, he would have realized there was "something" there.



Dear Olivia, Unfortunately, there's no convincing a guy there is "something" there if he doesn't feel it on his own. Here'
s the deal, women, particularly the older they get, tend to be really hopeful that the next guy might be The ONE. Got a good job? Check. Cute enough? Check. Doesn't treat me like crap? Check. If he ticks off enough boxes, and we like kissing him well enough, we thinking to ourselves, "This could be the ONE!" Obviously, though, every half way decent guy can't be the ONE, or else we all would have gotten married and lived happily ever after long ago. So obviously our initial evaluations leave a little something to be desired.

Given women's profound optimism, our instincts are simply not to be trusted sometimes. That said, we should actually trust the man's instincts in this scenario. If he thinks you aren't the woman he'd want to marry, well then Olivia, no matter what you think, you aren't the woman he should marry. In fact, he's doing you a favor by cutting you loose instead of dragging you along while him hems and haws over whether he likes you or not. Do you actually want to marry a man who isn't sure he wants to marry you? Would you be happy knowing you had to cajole someone into thinking you're great?

Painful as it is to be rejected by anyone, it's better to trust that his instincts are a bit more finely tuned than yours. Men cut us a lot less slack at the beginning, and it's probably for the best that they make such quick judgments. Personally I don't think you have to know you're going to marry someone to want to get to know them better, but if that's how he thinks, then you have to accept that about him.

The flip side of this is that if a woman ever has the instinct that the guy is wrong for her, then for the love of all that's holy, RUN! We're the eternal optimists, so if we actually think the guy is wrong, then what on earth are we waiting for?

So Olivia, I know it hurts to be dumped, and it's OK to grieve the end of something you thought had potential. But try to remember that just because it has the makings of a good relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is a good relationship. You'll find a man one day who thinks you've got "something" in spades, and you'll realize Nathan was right.




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