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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Just friends

Dear Biatch,

Hi, it's Delia again. So remember that guy J I was seeing? Well now he and I are just friends. I know you think I shouldn't see him anymore, but I'm so drawn to him! I think we're out of the woods now anyway...I mean I don't have any expectations about dating him, so why can't I just enjoy his company? I'm still single and looking, but I want J in my life. Is that a bad idea?


Delia, Delia, Delia. Yes it's bad! Look, ex's can make great friends. In fact one of my ex's is one of my best friends in the world. That said, this is no typical ex. This is J, the guy who chewed up your heart, spit it out, doused it in gasoline and lit it on fire. Have you forgotten? I certainly haven't.

If you want to be friends with an ex, it's essential that you do not still harbor feelings for him. If you do, then you are not really friends, you are just biding your time until 1) you make a move on him again 2) you give up on him 3) he realizes he was wrong and he loves you. As long as you are in the midst of that process, you are not truly open to other emotional opportunities and you are most definitely not getting over him. As you say, you are "drawn" to J. That's a very dangerous recipe for friendship. He may be fascinating to talk to, but as long as he's in your life, can you really get past the heartache and confusion he caused you?

Also, do you really want to be friends with someone who treated you like crap? If your good buddy the Love Biatch treated you so badly would you be so quick to forgive? We often demand so much more of our friends than we do our lovers, and that simply does not make sense. If someone is regularly seeing you both emotionally and physically naked, they should at the minimum treat you with respect. As I recall, respect was not J's strongsuit.

I don't care what his excuses are for his treatment of you, it's not enough. If he were to ever actually apologize in a way commensurate with the amount of pain he caused you, then just maybe I'd be willing to concede that he's not an evil being. But even then my first point still remains. It's not healthy for you to be friends with him because he's still nawing at something raw and emotional deep inside of you.

If by some miracle you wake up one day and 1) you are 100% confident that you only like him as a friend and are in no way "drawn" to him 2) he has apologized fully and is truly contrite about his former bastard behavior, then sure be friends with him. Until that day, though, it's better to cut bait and move on. There will be other interesting men to meet, but you won't find them as long as you're tied up with this mess.




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7:03 PM  

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