< Love Biatch: August 2005 < Love Biatch >

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

AWOL

The Love Biatch apologizes for being AWOL this week. Unfortunately she has to work a "real" job that pays for things like the chocolate and pedicures she loves so much. As such she is currently trapped working ungodly hours. She doesn't even have time for her typical 2 hours of agonizing over her love life a day. It turns out she prefers thinking about her love life to sitting in a soulless office, but unfortunately the love live thing doesn't pay the bills. The work stuff is even getting in the way of the 4 dates she has lined up this week. Damn the man! Doesn't he understand that she wants to marry him not crunch numbers for him?! The Love Biatch promises she will update the site with lots of new material as soon as she gets through this rather painful patch at work.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

A shoulder to cry on (but not yours)

Dear Biatch,

My ex has been calling me lately. I love being friends with him because I miss having him in my life, but the thing is he wants to talk about his other ex girlfriend to me. I didn't date him that long, but he dated this other girl for years, so I understand that's he's hurting, and I want to be there for him, but I feel weird listening to him talk about someone he obviously cared about more than me. What should I do?

Jacinda

Jacinda,

I know it can be hard to really break all ties with a guy when you break up with him. Being friends can feel nice, but initially that's only because it keeps you from having to face the fact that they are done with you. Look I think you can be friends with an ex eventually, but what you're describing here isn't the right kind of friendship.

You want to be friends with an ex? Talk about your mutual hobbies, sports, weather, TV...whatever. But his dating life is off limits, at least until a significant period of time has passed and there really are NO residual feelings left. It sounds to me like you still really care for him, and not just in a friendly way. Given that, it's essential that you get yourself out of this position. You're his ex, not Dr. Joyce.

Cut the ties for now...tell him you really do want to be friends but more time needs to pass before you're ready. If you absolutely can't do that, then at least tell him you can't talk to him about his other ex. It's simply too tragic for you to have to console someone about something while actually hiding your own hurt feelings. Who's gonna console you, Jacinda?

It's really insensitive of him to even think you might want to offer him love advice. Maybe he doesn't realize it, but if you tell him to stop, then he should be pretty contrite pretty fast if he's actually a good guy. Surely he has another shoulder to cry on besides yours?

Love,

Biatch

8,760 Hours of My Life

Hindsight is 20-20 right? Years from now when I am happily married (a girl can dream, right?), I'll look back at the time in my life before I met my husband, and I'll think...what the hell did I waste so much time bitching and moaning about finding a man for?

I estimate I spend at least 2 hours a day lamenting my lack o' man. Sometimes it's in the form of complaining to friends, other times it's spent mentally plotting how to find him, other times it's spent wondering what I think of my current beau. Regardless, it's a primary focus of my mind every day. Let's say I meet Mr. Right at 30. That means if we assume I started the serious boyfriend hunt around say 18, I spent 8,760 hours thinking about finding/keeping a man. That's a year! A full year of my life wasted.

If somehow I could have known that I'd eventually find HIM, just think what I could have done during those 8,760 hours! Finally take those tennis/photography/pottery/salsa/Spanish classes I've been meaning to take! Finally read the classics or at least put a dent in my zillion book wish list on Amazon! Exercise enough to bounce a quarter off my flat, flat stomach! Get 9 hours of sleep a night!

But alas, it's only in hindsight that I'll know that all of those hours spent agonizing over my love life were a waste. Until then, those are valuable hours spent plotting and venting, and I simply can't resist the urge to discuss my angst with my friends. But perhaps it's time to at least cut that 2 hour daily angst dose down to say an hour? That way I could at least squeeze in a salsa class or two...

Love,

Biatch

Sunday, August 21, 2005

On friends and love

Our friends play an important role in helping us manage our love lives. They tell us when we're freaking out over nothing, they let us blubber all over them when we get dumped, they celebrate our successes. But not every friend knows how to say the right thing at the right time when it comes to love. Some major friendship sins:
  1. Self absorption. Some people really can't see past their own nose. This kind of behavior is always annoying, but it can be bearable if life is running smoothly and you're just having fun. But a self absorbed friend is the WORST when it comes to helping you through a rough patch. I was once telling a friend about my recent breakup and how disappointed I was about it. Now if this was something I'd been whining about for weeks, I'd understand if my friends eventually tuned me out, but this was a fresh wound and I was telling my friend about it for the first time. I was literally in mid-sentence as I explained what had happened, and my friend interrupted me to say, "oh did I mention I am helping my mom buy a new car?" Wha??? Last time I checked that had nothing to do with my heartache, and it could have waited for me to at least finish my sentence. Unless your eyeballs are bleeding, I don't want to hear about it within the first 10 minutes I am telling you about how I am heartbroken!
  2. Lack of empathy. Some people just never learned how to walk in another's shoes. When it comes to empathizing with your pain, this friend always says the wrong thing because she just doesn't "get" where you're coming from. If you think something is the worst thing in the world, it's ok for someone to say that it'll get better, it's not ok for them to say it's no big deal. If nothing else, your pain is real to you. A friend appreciates that.
  3. Letting us be self destructive. Any friend worth a damn will tell you the cold hard truth when it comes to something truly important. If you're dating a run of the mill jerk, it's probably better that she keeps her opinion to herself, but if you're dating someone emotionally or physically abusive or someone who is otherwise fundamentally crap, then it's a friend's job to speak the truths that you're too afraid to admit.
  4. Saying too much too soon. Friends can end up in the doghouse if they say anything too bad about our sig-o's. The fact of the matter is, if the couple gets back together, your friend won't look so kindly on harsh words spoken about him...even if she was saying far worse! It's always a safer bet to save our most vitriolic criticisms until we are damn sure he's gone for good.
  5. She makes it about her. I once had a friend who could take any scenario and somehow turn it into something about her. I'd be crying about a breakup and she'd liken it to a breakup she once had, which was soooooo much worse. Next thing you know, I was comforting her over some 5 year old wound!

So be a good friend - listen, empathize, speak out when it's important and stay mum when it isn't...and for God's sake don't mention your mom's new car!


Love,

Biatch

Thursday, August 18, 2005

A Fizzling L-Bomb

Dear readers,

I want to be loved as much as the next girl (perhaps even more to be quite honest!) But proclamations of love can make me nervous, particularly when they come too soon. Typically when I date someone, getting him to announce his love is a long and arduous process, chock full of vague and sometimes not-so-vague hinting around the topic. Usually by the time he tells me he loves me, I am overjoyed and all too happy to return the favor. But what about in those rare instances when it comes before I'm ready. I'm a woman, aren't I always ready? It turns out that sometimes I'm actually a little slower on the draw when it comes to feelings of love.

There are few things in life more awkward than dead silence following the dropping of an L-Bomb. Time stops and possibilities race through your head. Say it back even though you don't mean it? Downgrade it to a "I like you, too?" Explain how you feel? Or just stone cold silence? I was the recipient of an L-Bomb after 3 weeks of dating. I adored this guy, I really did. But I was simply not ready to utter those words. And so I said nothing. This poor guy who was doing something good, right? And instead of being rewarded, he was probably humiliated. In the end, it would have been unfair to say it back if I didn't really mean it. Telling someone you love them is a promise of sorts. A promise of a future together, of deep felt, enduring feelings. Lying would be unfair to both of us.

So what is the right response? I'm not sure there is one. It's never going to feel good to have your love unrequited. That's why I think it's so important to be careful when you dole out your "I love you's". Probably the best response is to explain that you really do like him but you aren't ready to say those words yet, but when it happens unexpectedly, it can be hard to find those words.

Personally, I don't actually ever say it until my boyfriend has said it first. Not because I don't feel it, but because I know myself enough to know that I would NOT handle it well to have my L-bomb languish out in space. And I can imagine few ways to drive a man away faster than to tell him you love him too soon. And if you do drop your bomb prematurely? Try not to be too heartbroken...it doesn't mean it'll never be returned, it just means you might have to wait for your loved one to catch up a bit.

As for me, it's nice to know I'm loved even if it scares the bejeezus out of me!

Love,

Biatch

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Just friends

Dear Biatch,

Hi, it's Delia again. So remember that guy J I was seeing? Well now he and I are just friends. I know you think I shouldn't see him anymore, but I'm so drawn to him! I think we're out of the woods now anyway...I mean I don't have any expectations about dating him, so why can't I just enjoy his company? I'm still single and looking, but I want J in my life. Is that a bad idea?


Delia

Delia, Delia, Delia. Yes it's bad! Look, ex's can make great friends. In fact one of my ex's is one of my best friends in the world. That said, this is no typical ex. This is J, the guy who chewed up your heart, spit it out, doused it in gasoline and lit it on fire. Have you forgotten? I certainly haven't.

If you want to be friends with an ex, it's essential that you do not still harbor feelings for him. If you do, then you are not really friends, you are just biding your time until 1) you make a move on him again 2) you give up on him 3) he realizes he was wrong and he loves you. As long as you are in the midst of that process, you are not truly open to other emotional opportunities and you are most definitely not getting over him. As you say, you are "drawn" to J. That's a very dangerous recipe for friendship. He may be fascinating to talk to, but as long as he's in your life, can you really get past the heartache and confusion he caused you?

Also, do you really want to be friends with someone who treated you like crap? If your good buddy the Love Biatch treated you so badly would you be so quick to forgive? We often demand so much more of our friends than we do our lovers, and that simply does not make sense. If someone is regularly seeing you both emotionally and physically naked, they should at the minimum treat you with respect. As I recall, respect was not J's strongsuit.

I don't care what his excuses are for his treatment of you, it's not enough. If he were to ever actually apologize in a way commensurate with the amount of pain he caused you, then just maybe I'd be willing to concede that he's not an evil being. But even then my first point still remains. It's not healthy for you to be friends with him because he's still nawing at something raw and emotional deep inside of you.

If by some miracle you wake up one day and 1) you are 100% confident that you only like him as a friend and are in no way "drawn" to him 2) he has apologized fully and is truly contrite about his former bastard behavior, then sure be friends with him. Until that day, though, it's better to cut bait and move on. There will be other interesting men to meet, but you won't find them as long as you're tied up with this mess.

Love,

Biatch

Thursday, August 11, 2005

e-dumping

Dear Readers,

Modern technology is wonderful in so many ways. A day without email or instant messaging is simply unbearable. And no one would argue that it hasn't changed the way we communicate. Now sharing your thoughts is only a key stroke away.

So what has it done for dating? Well it's obviously made it a helluva lot easier to meet people via dating sites. It has also enabled a whole new way of flirting...coy emails, text messages and IM's are much less threatening than actual face to face contact.

But of course there's a dark side to technology and dating. No one enjoys hurting someone else's feelings...or maybe some do, but no one likes actually having to deal with the emotional fall-out face to face. And no one can throw something at you our cuss you out if you are safely ensconced in cyber space. And thus the advent of the e-dumping.

From: Y
Subject: RE: Breakup
Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2005 10:39:16 -0700

Dear X,

It's just not working out. I hope you understand.

-Y

Now I'm ashamed to admit, I too have fallen prey to the deceptive ease of the e-dumping. I'd been on 2 dates with a guy and had no interest in seeing him for the 3rd date I'd already agreed to. Since we'd had so little interaction in the first place, and the whole relationship had only been a week, I figured an email was easier for everyone. I mean, why would he want to actually listen to me say I wasn't interested? Wouldn't it just be less embarrassing for him if he could nurse his wounded ego in front of the glow of the monitor instead of right in front of me?

But here's the thing. I've been e-dumped twice now, and let me tell you it's insulting and it sucks in a profound sort of way. First off, you can't control when the dumpee actually reads the email, so it can come at an inopportune time, like say 9 am on a work day. Who wants to deal with the shock of being dumped in front of all of their coworkers with a full day still ahead of them? Cruel, just cruel! Secondly, it doesn't allow for any reaction on the dumpee's part (which admittedly is much of the allure of the e-dumping for the dumper). But that's just not fair. If you've been dating someone long enough to feel obligated to notify them that you won't be seeing them again, then at least make yourself available for reaction.

When I got e-dumped, I just wanted to understand why. But text on a screen can't answer that for me. And so my choice was suck it up and take the email at face value or call him. Neither is a particularly appealing option, and it could have been made easier if I could have just asked him immediately what he was thinking. Maybe some really would prefer to be e-dumped because it's much less awkward, but not me. I'm not sure how you're supposed to know if someone is e-dumpable, but until you can determine that, it's just poor form to do it. Next time, grow a pair and call the poor sucker.

Love,

Biatch

P.S. To the guy I e-dumped...I'm sorry. Karma's a bitch and I know that now. I for one will not be e-dumping again.

Sixth Sense

Dear readers,

I've talked about instincts before...and how usually women hope for the best from men and therefore are blind to reality. But there' s another side to it. Sometimes we see the writing on the wall...we know we're about to get tossed to the curb...and yet it's hard to believe.

I was dating a guy recently, let's call him Mark. Mark seemed like just what I've been looking for. Smart, funny, successful, warm. And as far as I know, he really is all of those things. I'll never really know, though, because he dumped me rather unceremoniously via email after a few dates. Here's the strange thing, though. Despite the fact that each of our 3 dates really was fantastic, and our second date even included a lovely bouquet of flowers, I somehow KNEW it was going to be over soon. Call it a dating sixth sense. I can't pin point a single real sign that he wasn't as into me as I hoped, and yet I can't say I'm surprised that it ended almost as fast as it began.

The problem with trusting this sixth sense is that it's the job of your family and friends to convince you that you're being ridiculous when you speculate about these feelings. "I just feel like something bad is going to happen," I said. "He didn't email today, and he usually does, maybe something changed?"

"Don't be silly," everyone says in chorus. "He clearly likes you. He just introduced you to his friends last night. He just gave you flowers. He writes you ever day. He must just be busy. Don't be such a pessimist." And no matter how many times my sixth sense has been proven right, I don't listen to it because I don't want to be a pessimist, and I do want to believe that I am just being silly.

So what is there to do about this? How do you draw the line between a real instinct for what's going on and needless pessimism? First, I think it's important to really listen to your instincts. If you really, truly feel it in your bones that something is wrong, it probably is. Even if your only signal is a day without an email or a call or a shorter than usual kiss goodnight. I can look and hindsight and see that there is a difference between the feeling I had just previous to being e-dumped by Mark and the feeling I get when I'm just winding myself up about someone. The key will be learning to tell the difference!

Second, perhaps sometimes it is wise not to tell absolutely everything to our confidants. It is their job after all to be optimistic for us. And sometimes optimism isn't really what we need. Instead we need a dose of cold, hard reality. Maybe if we let it percolate a little more in our own minds, without the sunny optimism of outside influences, we'll see things as they really are. As friends, maybe it's our job to occasionally just listen and agree with what our friend's gut is telling her.

In the end it doesn't really matter if we trust our instincts in these scenarios or not. Regardless of whether I was expecting the e-dumping wouldn't have stopped it from happening. But I suppose it at least would have kept me from being so hopeful in the first place. And maybe, just maybe, one day it'll help me avoid these situations all together. Or better yet preemptively dump the guy...via email of course!

Love,

Biatch

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Disrespecting

Dear readers,

A guy friend of mine once told me about his theory on how to make someone really like you. He said you have to "disrespect" them because everyone secretly wants to be mistreated. Now this is an interesting theory. At first glance, it can't possibly be right can it? We bitch and moan endlessly about being mistreated. We don't secretly like it do we?

Let's look at the evidence:

  1. Women love a bad boy. Just look at the success of Tommy Lee, Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe. Somehow I doubt they're showering the ladies in their life with roses and love sonnets. More likely, there's some serious disrespecting going on (i.e. illicit sex videos, spousal abuse, cheating).
  2. We get turned off if someone is "too into us." I know so many girls who cringe if a boy gives them flowers, compliments them too much, or even actually calls when he says he's going to.
  3. We let men string us along for years. They don't call when they say they will, we wait by the phone. They dump us, we take them back. They cheat on us, we forgive them.

Now obviously there's a part of all of us that does want to be treated well. We wouldn't spend countless hours reading things like He's Just Not That Into You or whining to our girlfriends if we didn't really want to be happy. So maybe it's time to stop wanting to be disrespected. Maybe, just maybe we wouldn't get disrespected so much if we didn't reward that behavior.

My friend Samantha always dated bad boys. And surprise surprise, they never treated her very well. A few months back, she met a guy. He liked her and treated her like a princess from the start, nothing over the top, but still sweet and consistent. She knew she had a good guy on her hands, so for once she fought her natural urges and gave the good guy a chance. And guess what...they're happy and in love, and now she can't remember why she ever wanted to those bad guys in the first place. I'm just saying...

Love,

Biatch

Dynasty moment

Dear Biatch,

I was seeing this guy Mike, who I met on-line, for a couple of months, and we were pretty serious. The only thing that was bugging me was that I could see that he was still going on the website where I met him. Is there a good reason he could still be going on there? I can't really think of one, but I'm trying to! So I decided to confront him the other day about it, and I drove over to his place at about 10 pm. When I got there we started talking about it, and I decided to go get a glass of water before we went any further. Well lo and behold, there was a girl hiding in the kitchen!!! Needless to say, I walked back out and slapped him and told him to f*** off. What the hell?

Ginny

Dear Ginny,

Some thoughts on where it all went wrong:

  1. There is NO good reason for a man you are dating seriously to be on the prowl on internet dating sites. None, nada, zip. I'm sure your girlfriends can come up with excuses - like maybe he's just bored at work or perhaps he's just reading what people have written him but not replying. They mean well, but they're just trying to keep you from freaking out. In the end, if he's looking at dating websites, he's not taking you quite as seriously as you are taking him.
  2. This might be a controversial perspective, but here goes...You are NEVER exclusive until you've both said so. I think a lot of people, hopeless romantics foremost among them, like to assume exclusivity after say X number of dates or having sex for the first time. Unfortunately as long as there are loopholes, people will jump through them. If you want to be exclusive, it needs to be overtly communicated. At least that way, if you catch your guy with another girl, he can't claim he didn't realize he wasn't allowed to date other people. It's not a romantic perspective, but hey I'm an MBA, what do you expect?
  3. Sometimes we all need to have our Dynasty moments. Those are the times when you do something a bit over-the-top, something Joan Collins would be proud of. I prefer to throw wine on someone since it's less physically violent and more dramatic (and long lasting!) Yes, of course it's poor form, and it doesn't solve anything, but man oh man do you feel better afterwards. The key is to not cross the line into psycho ex territory. It's a fine line indeed, so be careful when unleashing your inner Carrington.
  4. Hiding a girl in your kitchen is just dumb. At least try to keep your girlfriend out of the kitchen if there is another woman hiding in there. I'd recommend under the bed as a better hiding place.
  5. If you are the girl hiding in the kitchen, you have to wonder "what has my life come to?" Do you really want to be with a guy who is cheating on his girlfriend? At least he could have the cojones to stand his ground and own up to cheating. Having to hide is just plain embarrassing.

Love,

Biatch

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Love Bloat

Eating one piece of chocolate is delicious, but too many and you have a stomach ache. Love can be like that, too. Some guys are so romantic and intense. From the moment they meet you, they are smitten. At first, it's like that first bite of chocolate. You are so used to being ill-treated that such great treatment seems too good to be true. You revel in the compliments, over the top as they may be, and you luxuriate in the long, loving glances they send your way. But once the initial thrill of being so adored wears off, the too much of a good thing "stomach ache" begins to kick in. You begin to wonder if you really like him or just the attention he lavishes on you. You begin to cringe when he doles out his sweet nothings. When taken to the extreme, you begin to actually mistreat him (much as you have been mistreated in the past) just to see if you can get away with it, or better yet drive him away. You've got romance bloat, and it ain't pretty.

So what can you take away from all of this?


  1. Savor the thrill. The initial rush of romance is often the best part, and may not be followed by anything real. So enjoy it while it lasts!
  2. True adoration has to be earned. If it comes too easily, it's often unappreciated.
  3. Remember the golden rule, the next time you are about to mistreat a guy who adores you, remember how crap it feels to be treated like that by someone you like.
  4. Try to slow things down. Mr. Romance might actually turn out to be great, and not as gag inducing as you would expect. Just give him time to settle down a bit, and see what develops.
  5. A man who really likes you IS going to treat you well. So don't become one of those girls who can't stand it when guys are romantic. I know lots of women who can't stand it when men give them flowers because it makes them feel for lack of a better word "icky." You deserve flowers, so don't let your stomach get turned too easily.

Love,

Biatch

Friday, August 05, 2005

To cook or not to cook?

My blind date and I were talking about manual labor recently, and I was joking about how I avoid it at all costs. The bartender chimes in, "if you don't cook and clean, no man is ever going to want you. You'll be 38 and wondering why you're alone, and it'll be because you don't cook."

Whoa? When did it come to this? Should I rush out and take some classes right this moment? Where does one even purchase an apron these days - I don't recall seeing them at Bloomingdales?!

I was pretty offended by what the bartender said, not because I'm a feminist, and not because I'm actually afraid of being 38 and eating takeout alone and wondering where it all went wrong. No, I was offended because where on earth does a fricking hourly worker get off shoving his opinion down my throat (during a date no less!)? What makes him think he knows anything about me? Worse yet, does he not realize that 38 is over a decade away? Is my eye cream not working?

So should I be worried? I take comfort in knowing there are lots of men out there who like to cook, or better yet like to eat out. The key is to find one of them. Or at least find one who likes tortellini, chili or grilled cheese (the 3 things I cook).

If a guy is looking for little Suzy homemaker, alas, it ain't me. More power to the girl who can provide that and bring in six figures and maintain her slim figure and chase around the rugrats. With me, he'll have to settle for 2 or 3 out of 4. I'm pretty realistic about what I have to offer. Good career prospects? Check. Witty banter? Hell yeah. Successful beauty regiment? So I've been told. Passionate? But of course. But a good cook? Sorry that's where I take a pass. I'm willing to try to learn, but I simply cannot foresee a day when I'll want to cook an elaborate meal every night. If that's enough of a deal breaker for a guy, then c'est la vie, but I have a hard time believing the 35 year old guy tending bar is the authority on what all men, particularly the men I'd like (i.e. not him) want.

It would have been all to easy to believe what that guy had to say, but where would that leave me? Grumpy and standing over a stove! Perhaps the bartender just didn't realize how fast my dialing fingers and how vast my takeout menu collection are?

Love,

Biatch

PS... Hey bartender, you know what else I don't do? Paint the walls, change the oil, mow the lawn or sew. I'm pretty sure I can hire someone to do those things for me if push comes to shove. Looking for a dayjob?

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Buffer Boy

Dear Biatch,

I am crazy about this guy Chris I just started dating. I have another guy Mark who keeps asking me out, and he seems pretty cool, but I don't see the point in going out with him. I call Chris a lot and do things like pick him up little things I see that remind me of him. I know I'm supposed to play hard to get, but I just can't. Am I screwing things up?

Candace

Dear Candace,

Unfortunately your version of being sweet to Chris, might just be coming off as overbearing and worse yet, nutso. You said it yourself, you're "crazy" about him! Allow me to introduce you to a wonderful concept you seem to be missing out on:

Buffer Boy buff-er boi n.
A boy who provides a buffer between you and object of your affection and/or obsession.

Mark sounds like an excellent candidate for a buffer boy role. If you are busy seeing Mark, who by your own account is cool, then you aren't busy coming on too strong with Chris.

Look, I am not saying you have to follow the "Rules" and pretend to be something you're not. I'm just saying you're not doing yourself any favors when you call him too much or give him gifts for no reason. You just haven't been with him long enough to merit that. If he doesn't feel like he earned your sweetness, he's less likely to appreciate it.

I'm also not saying to use Mark. But if you like him well enough and you aren't making false promises to him, there's no harm in having a little fun hanging out with him. And the buffer he provides might be just enough to keep you from pushing Chris away!

5 ways to drive a man away in no time flat:

  1. Start calling him baby names. You might get away with Schnookie and Poopsie Pie once he already loves you, but it's more likely to inspire his gag reflex than affection early on.
  2. Call him all the time or just show up on his doorstep frequently. Can you say stalker?
  3. Tell him you want to have his babies.
  4. Unload all your baggage on him. Ultimately he's gotta accept you warts and all, but at the beginning, let him still think you're perfect.
  5. Drop the L-Bomb.

Love,

Biatch

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Missing that certain something

Dear Biatch,

I met this guy Nathan a month ago. At first it was wonderful...he was so sweet and thoughtful, and he seemed to really like me. Then out of nowhere he starts acting a little weird last week. I call him just to chat and try to feel him out for if something is wrong. It started out great, but then he tells me, "I think you're really great, but I just feel like something is missing. I'm looking to get married, and I just think I'd know by now if you were the one." What??? It had only been a month, and as far as I knew, it was going great. How could he know so fast, and how could he feel so differently from me? I think if he'd given me a shot, he would have realized there was "something" there.

Love,

Olivia

Dear Olivia, Unfortunately, there's no convincing a guy there is "something" there if he doesn't feel it on his own. Here'
s the deal, women, particularly the older they get, tend to be really hopeful that the next guy might be The ONE. Got a good job? Check. Cute enough? Check. Doesn't treat me like crap? Check. If he ticks off enough boxes, and we like kissing him well enough, we thinking to ourselves, "This could be the ONE!" Obviously, though, every half way decent guy can't be the ONE, or else we all would have gotten married and lived happily ever after long ago. So obviously our initial evaluations leave a little something to be desired.

Given women's profound optimism, our instincts are simply not to be trusted sometimes. That said, we should actually trust the man's instincts in this scenario. If he thinks you aren't the woman he'd want to marry, well then Olivia, no matter what you think, you aren't the woman he should marry. In fact, he's doing you a favor by cutting you loose instead of dragging you along while him hems and haws over whether he likes you or not. Do you actually want to marry a man who isn't sure he wants to marry you? Would you be happy knowing you had to cajole someone into thinking you're great?

Painful as it is to be rejected by anyone, it's better to trust that his instincts are a bit more finely tuned than yours. Men cut us a lot less slack at the beginning, and it's probably for the best that they make such quick judgments. Personally I don't think you have to know you're going to marry someone to want to get to know them better, but if that's how he thinks, then you have to accept that about him.

The flip side of this is that if a woman ever has the instinct that the guy is wrong for her, then for the love of all that's holy, RUN! We're the eternal optimists, so if we actually think the guy is wrong, then what on earth are we waiting for?

So Olivia, I know it hurts to be dumped, and it's OK to grieve the end of something you thought had potential. But try to remember that just because it has the makings of a good relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is a good relationship. You'll find a man one day who thinks you've got "something" in spades, and you'll realize Nathan was right.

Love,

Biatch