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Thursday, July 21, 2005

Preemptive strike

Dear Readers,

Tonight I got dumped. Yes, even love gurus get rejected! So why aren't I drowning my tears in a bottle of pinot noir? Because I was actually planning on dumping him today. Yes, that's right...I got preemptively dumped! I had a feeling it was coming this morning. I'd known for a couple of weeks that it wasn't going anywhere, but it was fun enough so I figured I'd see it through a bit longer. But this week, he'd been acting strange, too. Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought it was over.

The worst part is - it actually hurt my feelings that he didn't want to see me anymore...even though I didn't want to see him anymore! We are strange creatures indeed! But in reality, it makes sense. We all want to be loved by others...even those we don't love back. How am I coping? I've made plans to fill up the time I was saving for him this weekend, I deleted his phone number from my cell phone (a favorite post breakup ritual of mine), and I am looking forward to trashing the t-shirt he left here. We all have our coping methods! If you're in this situation, find a method that does NOT involve crying or the fetal position.

In honor of the preemptive dumping, I give you a list of the things I would have like to have told him but was too classy to...

  1. Health food store deodorant just ain't the same as regular deodorant. I could smell you even at a distance.
  2. A tattoo of a crucified, bleeding Jesus is simply not normal, particularly for a guy who claims not to be religious. It's hard to feel sexual when Jesus is staring up at you from your man's bicep. Whatever your excuse is, it's not good enough. Weird, just weird.
  3. You are simply too old to have such a crappy job. Newsflash: women like ambition. You don't have to be rich, but for the love of God, do something with your life.
  4. When you are the kind of guy who never has any plans, would it kill you to make advance plans with your gal? What are you worried is going to come up...a Real World marathon?
  5. Manscaping - it's not rocket science. Figure it out.
  6. You remember that one time...? I faked it.

Amazing that after you break up with someone, you can come up with so many things that are wrong with them? Perhaps we need to take a long hard look at the people we are dating to ensure we aren't settling and simply sweeping their faults under the rug. I mean seriously, was I (a rather fabulous lady) really expecting to stick with a guy with smelly pits? So au revoir, Jesus boy...on to bigger and better things.

Love,

Biatch

1 Comments:

Blogger l'amoureux de KT said...

heh. I truly appreciate the 'un-deodorant' one. As a sometimes fastidious and occasionally, um, earthy, mountian biker, I know too often the blurred line between what some people think is 'good for the environment' and what's 'good for MY environment'.

And as to #2 - Bloody Crucifix Tattoo - OMG??

Almost as bad - huge wooden cross with blood-drenched Jim Caviezel over the head of the bed. Same category, just not as mobile.

4:45 PM  

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