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Thursday, July 21, 2005

Dropping Trou

In the spirit of honesty, I thought I should lead off with one of my own dating experiences. Below is the actual email I sent afterwards to my girlfriends...

My date last night was so bad...Comically, definitely going to remember it forever bad. I went out with the studly Australian spy who I met a few months back when he was in town on business. It started out so well, I mean I had gone out with him twice previously so it's not like he was a stranger.

The real problem came after the date. Back in my car we start kissing. Now mind you, he is a big time hunk, tall and muscular, slightly scruffy...Very sexy, and he's a great kisser to boot. So all of that is going well and then all of the sudden he whips off his pants, grabs my hand, licks it and puts it on his knob. I kid you not...I looked at him like you must be kidding! We are on a fairly trafficked residential street in my car, and we'd hardly been making out yet so a hand job wasn't exactly on the table!

So I get myself out of that little situation and chalk it up to cultural differences. I drive him back to his hotel and he insists that I at least come in for a cup of coffee, and he insists his pants will stay on this time. So against my better judgment (apparently I have very little judgment) I let myself be persuaded. We go in and all I can think about is 1) he is way bigger than me, so if he wants something he could just take it 2) he works in intelligence and likely has access to all variety of drugs and could drug my coffee and molest me in a variety of unpleasant ways. Apparently I have watched too much Alias, but seriously this is what I was thinking. So he's acting pleasant enough, just trying to kiss me and behaving himself a bit better. But then, brace yourself, he grabs me turns me around and tries to spank me. I was wiggling like a maniac to get out of his grasp because you better believe I was not going to be receiving any spankings!

I tell him at this point that I really must go, but he keeps insisting I must at least have the coffee he is making. Again sirens are going off in my mind because he is so keen to get me to drink the coffee! So he gets up to get the coffee, acting as if it isn't strange one bit that he just tried to spank me, saying only, "well you make me so horny, I can't help it." I take like 1 baby sip of the coffee and throw half of it in the sink when he's not looking. I go to leave and he grabs me to kiss him again. once again the pants come flying off (perhaps the zipper was defective?), and no lie he starts whacking off and trying to kiss me. I say only "you must be kidding" and I actually laugh right in his face. I am trying to squirm away and he starts to try to angle me such that he can actually attempt to giz on me. I couldn't make this stuff up! I shout, "there is no way in hell you are going to do that all over me," and he said "what do you think I am going to do? I wouldn't do anything you don't want." So apparently I must have had a look on my face that said please shoot your wad on me and my cashmere sweater...that's the kind of girl I am.

So at this point I am oh so keen to get the hell out dodge, dry cleaning bill safely averted. He begs, yes begs me to help him out before I go. I tell him, "why don't you just think about me really hard after I leave and whack off. I am sure that would be faster than me doing it anyway." He then walks me back out to my car, and seems strangely unembarrassed by the fact that I have openly laughed at him and rejected all of his advances. This is the same guy who was so sweet before and wrote me nice emails for months. Apparently spies don't score enough so he was hard up? james bond didn't have these kinds of problems.

Safely ensconced in the old Volkswagen I start cruising back to my hood, and I get a message on my phone saying, "Hi, it's Clayton (the perverted Australian's name FYI) I would be willing to spend the night at your place and just take a taxi home tomorrow, no worries for you. So maybe that could work. I mean if not, then no worries but just wanted to check." Have they no shame in Australia? This guy was so hard up that clearly no amount of rejection was going to stop him. So I turned around and picked him back up....Just kidding...Of course I didn't do that...I am only so crazy! I drove home thankful to be done with that with nothing worse than a saliva covered palm and thank god nothing worse!

So what lessons did I learn from this delightful evening out?

  1. Trust your instincts. If it strikes you as odd that your date has just removed his pants for no reason, it is probably because that is in fact an odd thing to do.
  2. People can hide crazy early on. Just because a guy seems great for a couple dates doesn't mean he is not a trou dropping, hand licking, sweater ruining maniac. Adjust your expectations accordingly. If a guy turns out not to be what you expected him to be, don't hold on to the long lost ideal of what you thought he was. Accept his newly revealed insanity at face value.
  3. Men live in a dream world. The male ego is a strange thing. It is seemingly impervious to such humiliations as being laughed at and repeatedly rejected. You might as well be honest with him because he likely won't get his feelings hurt.
  4. Cut your losses. If you ignore lesson 1, at least follow this guideline. If a relationship (or a date) keeps getting worse and worse, don't wait for it to hit rock bottom. Get the hell out of dodge before it gets worse than you can handle or worse yet, ruins your fabulous new cashmere sweater.
  5. Being horny is not an excuse for acting like a freak. I like to think I've made other men horny in their time, and yet none of them tried to forcibly spank me on our 3rd date. It is also not an excuse for begging. That's simply embarrassing for everyone involved.
  6. Do not, I repeat DO NOT give in to uncomfortable requests simply to avoid confrontation. I know some girls who prefer to just suck it up (so to speak) and put out to avoid humiliating the guy. I say humiliate away. As I said in #3, he won't realize he's been humiliated anyway.
  7. Australian men are strange. This is not an absolute fact but it's a theory I stand behind.
  8. Never date a guy who says he's a spy. It somehow sounded believable at the time, but in hindsight, he might have made part up to impress me.


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