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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Disappointment Take 2

Dear Biatch,

I am dating this guy Chris. He literally swept me off my feet! It's only been a few months, but we've already talked about getting married. But here's the thing - lately I am noticing some things about him. Like he still has all of his ex-wife's stuff laying around - even things like her bath sponge and post it notes she had written. They got divorced over a year ago?! And he drinks a bit too much. This stuff has been stressing me, so we've been fighting a lot the last month, but Chris really is great, and he said he wanted to marry me. What gives?


Dear Delana,

I want you to read the email you sent me again and again until it sinks in. Chris is the kind of guy who can't bear to throw away his ex's funky, moldy sponge. Ewwww! Now he may in fact be a good guy, but at least acknowledge to yourself that he is at least a smidgen freaky.

You sound a bit stuck on the fact that he said he wanted to marry you. People can say anything. It's not hard. Watch - I am going to make Ewan McGregor my love slave. Now I may want to do that, but am I really going to do that? No. Early on, your better off to take grand promises with a grain of salt.

Disappointment comes in many forms. In this case, Chris doesn't sound like he is what you thought he was. As I've said before, anyone can be charming for a couple of months. Here's the real question - how long has Chris been upsetting you for? If it's longer than he actually made you happy in the first place, maybe it's time to pack it in.

It's hard to admit that you were wrong. We hate nothing more than realizing that the person we fell for doesn't even exist. Don't kick yourself though, since we can hardly be expected to navigate our way through all the crap Lover Boys shovel on us right at first. Just be aware of changes in your man's behavior, and be ready to acknowledge that you were wrong.

All that said, perhaps you should accept Chris warts and all. Do you think his problems are fixable? Is he responsive to your efforts to communicate your feelings about these things? Are you still more happy than unhappy? if the answers to these questions are yes, then it might be worth putting in the extra effort. Unfortunately the reality is that no man is as great as he seems in those first blissful months (and hard as it is to admit, neither are we!).

So Delana, only you know if his issues are ones you can overcome. Either move on and deal with the ensuing disappointment or work on adapting your expectations. Find a trash bag for that nasty sponge and offer him a cold O'Douls when he gets home from work!




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