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Thursday, July 28, 2005

Cocktail Hour

Like every good LA single girl, I am constantly trying to find new and exciting ways to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex. This includes very expensive facials, eye brow sculpting in Beverly Hills and a personal trainer. And of course I am on the constant quest for a way to eat tasty food and yet stay my lovely slim self. Now I'm not willing to give up the delights of chocolate or a tasty burger permanently, so I'm looking for more of a quick fix. I've tried it all - Atkins (lasted a week, lost 5 pounds), the Zone Home Delivery (lasted a month and lost 0 pounds but cheated quite a bit), Slimfast (worked like a charm, but tell me, how many fricking chocolate shakes can one girl drink and not go insane?)

So here's the problem, every diet out there requires no alcohol for at least 2 weeks. I am a single woman in Los Angeles and thus giving up alcohol is obviously IMPOSSIBLE. I try to explain this to my personal trainer who is determined for me to go on South Beach, which of course requires no alcohol, but he doesn't doesn't understand. How is a girl supposed to date without the benefit of the odd cocktail?

First of all, there's the hunt for the man, which more often than not takes place at a bar or a party. Somehow being on the prowl at the latest LA hotspot loses its luster without a cocktail (how can I deny the delicious pleasures of a Shikomi cocktail at Geisha House or a simple G&T at Tropicana Bar?) Not to mention accepting a drink from a guy is all part of the dating ritual. If that drink is a diet coke, he (wrongly) assumes you are not fun. Believe me, I'm fun, cocktail or not, but new fellas don't realize.

Second of all, what's a lovely first or second date dinner without some wine? If I turn down wine when he offers, that means he can't get a bottle either, and where are we then? Staring across a table each other, disappointment in the air!

And of course if you don't drink during the dating ritual, you inevitably get the question WHY you aren't drinking. And ladies, let me tell you, admitting you are dieting wins you NO points with guys. First off, it somehow implies that perhaps you are overweight (he thinks it even if his own eyes tell him you're not!). I'm sure you know this is not a thought you want in his head. And of course it somehow suggests you are high maintenance or vain (which you are of course, but that shouldn't be revealed just yet!).

So ladies of the world unite. Don't listen to those silly diet gurus when they say you can't drink! My guess is that all the people who create these diets are A) Married B) Very, very old. Thus they clearly don't understand the perils of being a single woman! And I'd rather be happily dating and imbibing than movie star skinny anyway!

Love,

Biatch

PS...if you don't drink, please write in to explain to me how your dating ritual works?!? Me and the South Beach diet people would like to know.

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