< Love Biatch: July 2005 < Love Biatch >

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Finding love in your bunny slippers (aka the secrets to internet dating)

Nowadays it seems just about everyone and their brothers are on-line dating. Looking for love from the safety of your own living room certainly requires less energy. Does it get any easier than reading people's stats and even beginning your flirtation all without ever taking off your favorite bunny slippers? That said, the internet dating world has its own particular challenges and is like everything in love, complicated. So below are a few observations and tips I've gleaned from my own internet dating experiments...


  1. At least 9 out of 10 internet dates lead nowhere, so be prepared to invest quite a bit of time if you're serious about it. If you wanted, internet dating could provide you with dates every night of the week (and I've had friends who could cram more than one into a weekend day!), but just don't expect most of those to be very good. If you set your expectations too high, you will invariably be disappointed.
  2. Because most dates are utterly useless, be careful about where you go on the first date. Coffee or drinks is best because you can quickly extricate yourself if he turns out to be 100 pounds heavier than his photo or have halitosis that could kill a small animal. I once left a coffee date after a mere 15 minutes when he revealed the "job" he'd bragged about on email was actually just a part time gig helping out his uncle while he looked for real work and that his house in the valley was also inhabited and owned by his parents. Ugh! Save dinner for second dates when you already know if they're worth investing 2 hours with.
  3. No matter how attractive the photos you see, you can never know if you are going to actually find the person physically appealing until you see them. The pics could be old or the person could just be amazingly photographic. Heading into my first internet date ever, I was so excited because he seemed so interesting and handsome, but 30 seconds into the date I already knew I wasn't attracted to him. Somehow the picture just did him too much justice! An important note: I am dubious of any professionally taken photo that is simply too perfect. I mean how many doctors and accountants really have six packs and a set of headshots?
  4. Remember that many dating sites are fairly transparent. That means that everyone can see what you're up to on there - like when you last logged in, if you've clicked on someone's profile, etc. That said, if you are dating someone, don't forget that they can see that you are still trolling around for dates. I have a friend who was driven crazy by the fact that the guy she was dating was still logging on 5 times a day. Obviously not a good sign!
  5. Pick the right site. There are all kinds of sites these days, so make sure you pick one that is well tailored to you. Some sites like eharmony do elaborate personality testing to match you with the right person, but then don't let you narrow the geographic search very much. So if you're someone like me who thinks the Inland Empire and Long Beach might as well be foreign countries, avoid sites like these. Other sites like say nerve and craigslist have a more sexual bent, while at a jdate you have a fairly homogeneous pool. Pick wisely and you are far more likely to find people to your liking. Browse the site a bit before buying in...I've checked out several sites only to see that there was nary an attractive man in site.
  6. Don't forget that people you know will see you on there. People seem to forget that their friends, neighbors and coworkers are all online dating, too, which means that they can see your carefully crafted profile just like everyone else can. So don't lie, and don't say anything embarrassing, and certainly don't think you can get away with cheating on your significant other on a site. My friend was dating a guy from one site. When we ran into him one night, it turned out I actually knew him through friends. I also happened to know he had a girlfriend. How that guy thought he could keep anyone who knew him from seeing him on a major dating site, I'm not sure! My aunt is on another site. She received a letter from a man and thought he looked familiar. A little research reminded her why...he was her friend's husband (present tense!) and was in fact a decade older than he claimed to be! Not only is it just cruel to cheat like this, but it's just plain stupid.

So happy internet surfing, readers! For all of the challenges of online dating, it is an effective way to meet people who have something in common with you, which is more than I can say for every cocktail infused evening out on the town.

Love,

Biatch

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Cocktail Hour

Like every good LA single girl, I am constantly trying to find new and exciting ways to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex. This includes very expensive facials, eye brow sculpting in Beverly Hills and a personal trainer. And of course I am on the constant quest for a way to eat tasty food and yet stay my lovely slim self. Now I'm not willing to give up the delights of chocolate or a tasty burger permanently, so I'm looking for more of a quick fix. I've tried it all - Atkins (lasted a week, lost 5 pounds), the Zone Home Delivery (lasted a month and lost 0 pounds but cheated quite a bit), Slimfast (worked like a charm, but tell me, how many fricking chocolate shakes can one girl drink and not go insane?)

So here's the problem, every diet out there requires no alcohol for at least 2 weeks. I am a single woman in Los Angeles and thus giving up alcohol is obviously IMPOSSIBLE. I try to explain this to my personal trainer who is determined for me to go on South Beach, which of course requires no alcohol, but he doesn't doesn't understand. How is a girl supposed to date without the benefit of the odd cocktail?

First of all, there's the hunt for the man, which more often than not takes place at a bar or a party. Somehow being on the prowl at the latest LA hotspot loses its luster without a cocktail (how can I deny the delicious pleasures of a Shikomi cocktail at Geisha House or a simple G&T at Tropicana Bar?) Not to mention accepting a drink from a guy is all part of the dating ritual. If that drink is a diet coke, he (wrongly) assumes you are not fun. Believe me, I'm fun, cocktail or not, but new fellas don't realize.

Second of all, what's a lovely first or second date dinner without some wine? If I turn down wine when he offers, that means he can't get a bottle either, and where are we then? Staring across a table each other, disappointment in the air!

And of course if you don't drink during the dating ritual, you inevitably get the question WHY you aren't drinking. And ladies, let me tell you, admitting you are dieting wins you NO points with guys. First off, it somehow implies that perhaps you are overweight (he thinks it even if his own eyes tell him you're not!). I'm sure you know this is not a thought you want in his head. And of course it somehow suggests you are high maintenance or vain (which you are of course, but that shouldn't be revealed just yet!).

So ladies of the world unite. Don't listen to those silly diet gurus when they say you can't drink! My guess is that all the people who create these diets are A) Married B) Very, very old. Thus they clearly don't understand the perils of being a single woman! And I'd rather be happily dating and imbibing than movie star skinny anyway!

Love,

Biatch

PS...if you don't drink, please write in to explain to me how your dating ritual works?!? Me and the South Beach diet people would like to know.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Batting Practice

Dear Biatch,

I was dating this guy "Eric" off and on for 8 years. For the last 2, we were living together. In September, he admitted to me that he was "talking" behind my back to a casual friend of mine. I freaked! A month later I broke into his email since I still didn't trust him. I found an email he sent saying he thought he was in love with a friend of his. I couldn't believe it! I confronted him with it, and he begged forgiveness and said he had written it when he was confused.

I felt like I needed to talk to someone, so I told our friend "James" about the situation. In the midst of venting about my boyfriend, I made an off-hand comment about how small Eric's penis is. Now the thing is, James and Eric work together. So a few weeks later when James and Eric got into a fight at work, James made a crack about his tiny penis. Eric went nuts on me when he got home, and we ended up breaking up.

Months later, Eric begged for me back. A few days ago, he made a comment about how he was so glad we are together again, and he's so happy he decided to give me a second chance. What?! I never asked for a second chance! He begged me, not the other way around!

So I love him, but in the back of my mind I hate him. I let his comment go because I didn't want to fight, but Biatch, there are some days where I just want to strike him with a bat. Should I continue with this man and believe him? Or should I open my eyes and move on?

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

"I just want to strike him with a bat." Do you even need to ask if you should be with him? Now I know we all get angry sometimes and say things we don't mean, but all I hear in this letter is an undercurrent of outright loathing!

This guy doesn't sound like much of a prize...he talked to your friend behind your back, he thought he loved someone else...and worse yet, he has a small penis? Yikes! It's hard to end things...often because doing so requires us to admit we have been wasting time. Even harder is facing the prospect of starting over again. Believe me dating anew can suck, but it's worth it in the end. Effectively you are throwing good time after bad. The longer you stay with him, the more time you are wasting. It doesn't justify the time you already wasted, it only adds to it.

Now, here's the thing. It wasn't technically right for you to read his email. That's a breach of trust, and if you were at the point where you trusted him that little, you really shouldn't have been with him. But in this case, given what you found, there's no use dwelling on that. Just remember in the future, not to make that kind of behavior a habit.

If guys heard the kind of stuff we say behind their backs when we're angry, they'd die of embarrassment. Calling Eric out on his miniscule bits and bobs was nothing compared to some of the stuff you could have said. So it was totally out of line for James to betray your trust and tell Eric what you said. If I were you, I wouldn't be trusting James again any time soon! That said, you do see that it wasn't the brightest thing for you to share that little morsel with one of his coworkers, right?

Lisa, it sounds like this has been going down hill for a while. There is no trust, and he and you are clearly not on the same page about the current situation. It sounds like you are much better off cutting your losses and moving on than you would be sticking around and trying to convince him that it was really all his fault. Go find yourself a man who you can trust and not beat the bejeesus out of with a bat!

Love,

Biatch

Monday, July 25, 2005

Comme les Francaises

My French guy friend says to me the other day that the French just don't date the same as American people. Apparently it's delightfully straight-forward. Girl meets boy. There's an instant connection, and they don't play games. Next thing you know, they're a couple. No waiting 3 days to call or just casually dating for months on end.

OMG, can I please move to France right this instant! Seriously, other than smelling like cheese and body odor, the French sound perfect.

Why is it that we Americans feel compelled to make dating so complicated? Maybe we should all do ourselves a favor and simplify. Wouldn't we all be happier and save a ton of our valuable time if we just cut the crap?

5 Ways to be More French
  1. Men, don't wait 2-3 days to call. If you like her, call her the next day. It won't kill you, and it might just make her day!
  2. Be intense. It's ok to gaze longingly into someone's eyes once in a while. If you both like each other, why not admit it?
  3. Surrender...The French are famous for it! In this case, though, surrender to romance...instead of playing it cool, be a hopeless romantic for once! It's ok to be hopeful no matter how many times you've been burned
  4. Speed the process up. It shouldn't take you months to figure out if someone is worth being your girl/boyfriend. If you are that unsure if someone is right for you, they probably aren't. Stop wasting your time trying to figure out something you already know! And if you are sure, then don't hide it just because you're playing it cool.
  5. Armpit shaving is optional

Alas, all of these methods may not really play in our over complicated dating world, but a girl can dream, right?

Au revoir, mes amis...

Love,

Biatch

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Just say no

Dear Biatch,

So I was dating a super hot guy for a couple of months. When we spent our first night together nothing happened because 1. I'm a virgin and 2. I asked him to get tested first. He seemed to understand on both accounts and said he had no problem getting tested. (This guy has a wild sexual past, by the way)

So just about 1 week before he's due to get his test results, he broke up with me telling me I'm no fun in the sex department, that I'm too uptight and risk-averse, blah blah blah. I wonder how can he conclude that if we never had sex in the first place? So I told him "just give me the test results and then we'll roll around and have as much sex as we want", and that I wanted him to be my first, and that I find him very attractive. He still said no, that he doesn't see me as a long term relationship kind of thing.

Now, I only wanted this guy to be my first and to play with, not to marry, so I have no problem making this into a no strings attached just for fun sex thing. But I'm broken up at the moment (for the strange reasons I just wrote above). What should I do? Do I just show up one day at his house and seduce him? Even without the test results, assuming I use a condom? Or is that too risky?

What do you think?


Meredith

Dear Meredith,

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. Under no circumstances should this jerk be your first time. Believe it or not, your first time really is something that sticks with you for the rest of your life. It should not be with someone who has already stated that he doesn't want to be with you, no matter how hot he is! The fact that you say your broken up suggests that you have emotions tied up in this, which is of course completely natural. But that also means you can't be too cavalier about losing your virginity, or else you'll get hurt.

It was unfair of him to say that you are no fun in bed simply because you wanted to wait until you had test results in hand, meaning he's either 1) too dumb to realize you were just being responsible and that you are in fact a wild little minx (I mean you did offer to "roll around" with him!) or 2) he's just using it as an excuse to get out of the relationship. Either way, he's not worth your while.

There will be other hot guys, and one of these hot guys will actually be the kind of guy you can remember fondly. Consider yourself lucky that this guy saved you the trouble of remembering his sorry ass.

Love,

Biatch

PS...sadly a girl's first time is rarely all that fun because it's a fairly painful endeavor, so unless you were planning on a long running "just for fun" situation, you wouldn't get much out of the deal anyway! I say wait for someone you can really enjoy it with.

Love, Biatch

Dear readers,

Who am I to be doling out love advice? I'm not married, I'm not a therapist and I've had my fair share of heartache. You want therapy, get your wallet out and call a shrink. But if what you're after is no nonsense, no holds barred, hurt-so-good tough love, than I'm your gal. I've lived and learned...school of hard knocks and all that. By my calculations, my friends and I have dated nearly the entire free world (or at least those in major urban centers), so there's a pretty good chance I know your pain. If like most ladies I know, your love life is in shambles and every day holds a new drama, let me know. You might not like my answer, but I promise it'll be brutally honest and honed from years of my own dating tragedies. Reach me at lovebiatch05@yahoo.com

Love,

Biatch

P.S. Just because I haven't settled down doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm a masochist and continue dating for sport. Enough about me, let's focus on you...

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Deal Breakers

Dear readers,

I once dated a guy who seemed pretty great. That is until he provided me with WAY too much information about his intestinal distress and worse yet, used my bathroom to deal with it. That was our last date! Shallow of me? Yes, of course, but we all have our idiosyncratic deal breakers. Those things that just make us cringe, that we simply can't get past. Maybe I could have dealt with that guy's yucky stomach problems had we been dating longer when it reared it's ugly head, but at the beginning, it was a fatal death blow to our burgeoning relationship.

The following are some of my other deal breakers that have killed past relationships...
  • Temper tantrums (so unappealing on a man!)
  • Hypochondriac
  • Consistent sexual dysfunction
  • Creepy baby talk voice
  • Living in the Valley/Geographically undesirable
  • Bloody Jesus tattoos
  • His secret preference for other men

What's a girl to do?

Readers...what our your deal breakers? Write in and tell me and I'll post the results!

Love,

Biatch

Friday, July 22, 2005

Toning it down

Dear Biatch,

I went on a date with a GORGEOUS man that I met in Vegas. We had an EXCELLENT time. In fact, it was so HOT that we had sex practically in the first 20 minutes of the date. But now I'm CONFUSED because, it's like, I've never heard from the guy since. I mean, it's not like I'm a WHORE... I insisted that we leave the theater before things got TOO CRAZY. What gives?

- Mia


Dear Mia,

How very Alanis Morrisette of you! Unfortunately once men get what they want (which initially is nearly always sex), they often don't stick around for much else. I know how it can be - you meet someone and there's such an overwhelming attraction that you can 't help yourself. It's not as if you're giving in (which is never good in book) but rather you're doing what feels natural. Sadly we can't always do what we want to do. I like to eat chocolate like it's my job, and yet if I do it too much, I'm going to get fat. So instead sometimes I deny myself the chocolate I so badly want.

I can't say it enough, YOU ARE ALWAYS BETTER OFF WAITING. No matter how hot it is, if you don't know him, you have no way of predicting if you are ever going to hear from him again. It's a choice you make - if you don't care whether he calls, then have that hot sex! But clearly that's not the case here. Next time, try to at least tone it down a notch..perhaps some groping instead of sex? Even better just a really hot snog...you'd be amazed how erotic that alone can be. And it leaves that much more anticipation for next time. Of course, there's still no guarantee that you'll ever hear from him. Perhaps this guy wouldn't have called you regardless - who knows? All I do know, is that you might not feel quite as bad if you hadn't let it get so far. So protect your feelings a bit and leave him wanting more!

Love,

Biatch

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Preemptive strike

Dear Readers,

Tonight I got dumped. Yes, even love gurus get rejected! So why aren't I drowning my tears in a bottle of pinot noir? Because I was actually planning on dumping him today. Yes, that's right...I got preemptively dumped! I had a feeling it was coming this morning. I'd known for a couple of weeks that it wasn't going anywhere, but it was fun enough so I figured I'd see it through a bit longer. But this week, he'd been acting strange, too. Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought it was over.

The worst part is - it actually hurt my feelings that he didn't want to see me anymore...even though I didn't want to see him anymore! We are strange creatures indeed! But in reality, it makes sense. We all want to be loved by others...even those we don't love back. How am I coping? I've made plans to fill up the time I was saving for him this weekend, I deleted his phone number from my cell phone (a favorite post breakup ritual of mine), and I am looking forward to trashing the t-shirt he left here. We all have our coping methods! If you're in this situation, find a method that does NOT involve crying or the fetal position.

In honor of the preemptive dumping, I give you a list of the things I would have like to have told him but was too classy to...

  1. Health food store deodorant just ain't the same as regular deodorant. I could smell you even at a distance.
  2. A tattoo of a crucified, bleeding Jesus is simply not normal, particularly for a guy who claims not to be religious. It's hard to feel sexual when Jesus is staring up at you from your man's bicep. Whatever your excuse is, it's not good enough. Weird, just weird.
  3. You are simply too old to have such a crappy job. Newsflash: women like ambition. You don't have to be rich, but for the love of God, do something with your life.
  4. When you are the kind of guy who never has any plans, would it kill you to make advance plans with your gal? What are you worried is going to come up...a Real World marathon?
  5. Manscaping - it's not rocket science. Figure it out.
  6. You remember that one time...? I faked it.

Amazing that after you break up with someone, you can come up with so many things that are wrong with them? Perhaps we need to take a long hard look at the people we are dating to ensure we aren't settling and simply sweeping their faults under the rug. I mean seriously, was I (a rather fabulous lady) really expecting to stick with a guy with smelly pits? So au revoir, Jesus boy...on to bigger and better things.

Love,

Biatch

Dropping Trou

In the spirit of honesty, I thought I should lead off with one of my own dating experiences. Below is the actual email I sent afterwards to my girlfriends...

My date last night was so bad...Comically, definitely going to remember it forever bad. I went out with the studly Australian spy who I met a few months back when he was in town on business. It started out so well, I mean I had gone out with him twice previously so it's not like he was a stranger.

The real problem came after the date. Back in my car we start kissing. Now mind you, he is a big time hunk, tall and muscular, slightly scruffy...Very sexy, and he's a great kisser to boot. So all of that is going well and then all of the sudden he whips off his pants, grabs my hand, licks it and puts it on his knob. I kid you not...I looked at him like you must be kidding! We are on a fairly trafficked residential street in my car, and we'd hardly been making out yet so a hand job wasn't exactly on the table!

So I get myself out of that little situation and chalk it up to cultural differences. I drive him back to his hotel and he insists that I at least come in for a cup of coffee, and he insists his pants will stay on this time. So against my better judgment (apparently I have very little judgment) I let myself be persuaded. We go in and all I can think about is 1) he is way bigger than me, so if he wants something he could just take it 2) he works in intelligence and likely has access to all variety of drugs and could drug my coffee and molest me in a variety of unpleasant ways. Apparently I have watched too much Alias, but seriously this is what I was thinking. So he's acting pleasant enough, just trying to kiss me and behaving himself a bit better. But then, brace yourself, he grabs me turns me around and tries to spank me. I was wiggling like a maniac to get out of his grasp because you better believe I was not going to be receiving any spankings!

I tell him at this point that I really must go, but he keeps insisting I must at least have the coffee he is making. Again sirens are going off in my mind because he is so keen to get me to drink the coffee! So he gets up to get the coffee, acting as if it isn't strange one bit that he just tried to spank me, saying only, "well you make me so horny, I can't help it." I take like 1 baby sip of the coffee and throw half of it in the sink when he's not looking. I go to leave and he grabs me to kiss him again. once again the pants come flying off (perhaps the zipper was defective?), and no lie he starts whacking off and trying to kiss me. I say only "you must be kidding" and I actually laugh right in his face. I am trying to squirm away and he starts to try to angle me such that he can actually attempt to giz on me. I couldn't make this stuff up! I shout, "there is no way in hell you are going to do that all over me," and he said "what do you think I am going to do? I wouldn't do anything you don't want." So apparently I must have had a look on my face that said please shoot your wad on me and my cashmere sweater...that's the kind of girl I am.

So at this point I am oh so keen to get the hell out dodge, dry cleaning bill safely averted. He begs, yes begs me to help him out before I go. I tell him, "why don't you just think about me really hard after I leave and whack off. I am sure that would be faster than me doing it anyway." He then walks me back out to my car, and seems strangely unembarrassed by the fact that I have openly laughed at him and rejected all of his advances. This is the same guy who was so sweet before and wrote me nice emails for months. Apparently spies don't score enough so he was hard up? james bond didn't have these kinds of problems.

Safely ensconced in the old Volkswagen I start cruising back to my hood, and I get a message on my phone saying, "Hi, it's Clayton (the perverted Australian's name FYI) I would be willing to spend the night at your place and just take a taxi home tomorrow, no worries for you. So maybe that could work. I mean if not, then no worries but just wanted to check." Have they no shame in Australia? This guy was so hard up that clearly no amount of rejection was going to stop him. So I turned around and picked him back up....Just kidding...Of course I didn't do that...I am only so crazy! I drove home thankful to be done with that with nothing worse than a saliva covered palm and thank god nothing worse!


So what lessons did I learn from this delightful evening out?


  1. Trust your instincts. If it strikes you as odd that your date has just removed his pants for no reason, it is probably because that is in fact an odd thing to do.
  2. People can hide crazy early on. Just because a guy seems great for a couple dates doesn't mean he is not a trou dropping, hand licking, sweater ruining maniac. Adjust your expectations accordingly. If a guy turns out not to be what you expected him to be, don't hold on to the long lost ideal of what you thought he was. Accept his newly revealed insanity at face value.
  3. Men live in a dream world. The male ego is a strange thing. It is seemingly impervious to such humiliations as being laughed at and repeatedly rejected. You might as well be honest with him because he likely won't get his feelings hurt.
  4. Cut your losses. If you ignore lesson 1, at least follow this guideline. If a relationship (or a date) keeps getting worse and worse, don't wait for it to hit rock bottom. Get the hell out of dodge before it gets worse than you can handle or worse yet, ruins your fabulous new cashmere sweater.
  5. Being horny is not an excuse for acting like a freak. I like to think I've made other men horny in their time, and yet none of them tried to forcibly spank me on our 3rd date. It is also not an excuse for begging. That's simply embarrassing for everyone involved.
  6. Do not, I repeat DO NOT give in to uncomfortable requests simply to avoid confrontation. I know some girls who prefer to just suck it up (so to speak) and put out to avoid humiliating the guy. I say humiliate away. As I said in #3, he won't realize he's been humiliated anyway.
  7. Australian men are strange. This is not an absolute fact but it's a theory I stand behind.
  8. Never date a guy who says he's a spy. It somehow sounded believable at the time, but in hindsight, he might have made part up to impress me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Disappointment Take 2

Dear Biatch,

I am dating this guy Chris. He literally swept me off my feet! It's only been a few months, but we've already talked about getting married. But here's the thing - lately I am noticing some things about him. Like he still has all of his ex-wife's stuff laying around - even things like her bath sponge and post it notes she had written. They got divorced over a year ago?! And he drinks a bit too much. This stuff has been stressing me, so we've been fighting a lot the last month, but Chris really is great, and he said he wanted to marry me. What gives?

Delana


Dear Delana,

I want you to read the email you sent me again and again until it sinks in. Chris is the kind of guy who can't bear to throw away his ex's funky, moldy sponge. Ewwww! Now he may in fact be a good guy, but at least acknowledge to yourself that he is at least a smidgen freaky.

You sound a bit stuck on the fact that he said he wanted to marry you. People can say anything. It's not hard. Watch - I am going to make Ewan McGregor my love slave. Now I may want to do that, but am I really going to do that? No. Early on, your better off to take grand promises with a grain of salt.

Disappointment comes in many forms. In this case, Chris doesn't sound like he is what you thought he was. As I've said before, anyone can be charming for a couple of months. Here's the real question - how long has Chris been upsetting you for? If it's longer than he actually made you happy in the first place, maybe it's time to pack it in.

It's hard to admit that you were wrong. We hate nothing more than realizing that the person we fell for doesn't even exist. Don't kick yourself though, since we can hardly be expected to navigate our way through all the crap Lover Boys shovel on us right at first. Just be aware of changes in your man's behavior, and be ready to acknowledge that you were wrong.

All that said, perhaps you should accept Chris warts and all. Do you think his problems are fixable? Is he responsive to your efforts to communicate your feelings about these things? Are you still more happy than unhappy? if the answers to these questions are yes, then it might be worth putting in the extra effort. Unfortunately the reality is that no man is as great as he seems in those first blissful months (and hard as it is to admit, neither are we!).

So Delana, only you know if his issues are ones you can overcome. Either move on and deal with the ensuing disappointment or work on adapting your expectations. Find a trash bag for that nasty sponge and offer him a cold O'Douls when he gets home from work!

Love,

Biatch

Monday, July 18, 2005

A Leopard Print Disaster

A true story (names have been changed to protect the innocent)...

She rushes home from work worried she won't make it in time. She's running late, and Boy might just beat her to her apartment. Thankfully she pulls into her parking lot just in time to enact her plan. The previous weekend She bought a particularly sexy new pair of underwear, and she was eager to surprise Boy. Things had been a bit strained between them, and She figured showing up at the door in leopard print panties might just smooth things over.

She even has time to drag a brush through her hair and spray on some perfume before she hears the knock at her door. One last glance at her outfit - perfect! She pulls open the door slowly, giving Boy a good long look at her gorgeous half naked self. Images of rapturous love making fill her mind. He'll scoop her up and carry her immediately to the bedroom, and all the stress of the last week will melt away. Boy looks surprised to see her at the door in lingerie. He comes in, hugs her, plants a rather loveless kiss on her lips. "Wow," he says. "You look sexy." She notes that he has neither bothered to brush his teeth or his hair before arriving but decides that those are minor points.

She smiles with expectation for what comes next, the passionate kiss, breathless whisper in her ear that he must have her now. But no. Boy releases her from his embrace, walks into the kitchen to put down his bag of groceries. He turns around to her and says, "So how was work?" She is perplexed, can this really be happening? She stands in the doorway a moment longer, uncertain what to do next. Perhaps he's being coy? She cocks her hip to the side and says in her most sultry voice, "Well that wasn't quite the response I was looking for." It's his chance to give her a sly grin and proceed to the mind blowing sex portion of the evening. But it's not meant to be. Instead, Boy looks at her blankly and says, "What reaction were you looking for?"

She is now at a complete loss for words. How could a brand new pair of gorgeous panties not raise his temperature a few degrees? How could the mere sight of so much newly tanned flesh not inspire more than insipid conversation? She sulks into her room remarking over her shoulder, "oh I guess I should put some clothes on." She walks to her room, and in a huff puts on her most defiantly unsexy granny panties, jeans and an old t-shirt. She walks back out to the kitchen uncertain how to proceed. Unable to engage in light banter, she sets about preparing dinner. Now its Boy's turn to be confused. He looks at her and asks, "Did I miss something?"

Did you? Did you?!? Oh the tragedy! Honestly, I'm not sure there is much of a moral to this sad, sad story...Just thought it merited sharing. If nothing else, it reminds us that men are unbelievably dense and that we are no alone in our dating disasters. Apparently no hint is strong enough for some guys. Thus, we can't take it too personally when they simply don't "get it." Just because Boy didn't give her the reaction she wanted, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like her or think she's hot. It could just mean he has the IQ of a rutabaga. We look fabulous in our sexy lingerie, and men are fools if they don't acknowledge it!

Love,

Biatch

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

An open letter

Dear J,

You don't know me, but I certainly know you. Why you ask? Because I have spent hours counseling my lovely friend Delia to help her get over you. Because Delia will never tell you, I thought I should...you suck. And not just a little...you suck in a profound, I'd rather get a paper cut on my tongue than have to hear one more word about you hurting my friend's feelings kind of way.

"But I've done nothing wrong," you think. Au Contraire Jerkoff...you have innumerable sins of the most insidious variety. You are never so cruel that she officially kicks your lame ass to the curb, but you are just horrid enough that you cause nights of tears and self doubt. And quite frankly, J, you are a waste of my time. Maybe you've got Delia fooled, but not me. I know you're kind. You're a user and worse yet, you are simply not a nice person.

Some of the many reasons I loathe you:
  1. You use guilt to get what you want. Only losers have to guilt someone into sex.
  2. Ever hear the phrase "no use crying over spilled milk?" You freaked out over spilled water. Literally a glass of spilled water . Granted it was spilled on your computer, but still no excuse. Delia's feelings are worth more than any object, but clearly you don't have any regard for them.
  3. You have no manners. You IM her and then just disappear mid conversation. Didn't your momma train you right?
  4. You take advantage of her kindness. Delia is one of the sweetest people I know. Instead of treating her with the same kind of warmth, you have seized on her good nature at every opportunity. What kind of guy lets a girl help him move and then treats her like garbage? A pretty crappy one if you ask me.

Here's some news for you, J, I hear you aren't even good in bed. So not only are you a bad guy, but you can't even offer good sex. I mock you and so will all the ladies I tell!

J, do yourself and me a favor, disappear from Delia's life. She is a lovely, smart, kind girl, and she is too good for you. You demand too much and offer far too little. She deserves better, and I won't rest until I make sure she gets it. I have better things to think about than you (should I get a pedicure? How can something as good as an almond joy be so bad for me? Is it 6 yet?)

So piss of J...Delia and I are moving on...

Love,

Biatch

Monday, July 11, 2005

Venting on Disappointment

Dear Readers,

Some people are just one big fat disappointment. You know who I'm talking about. It's that guy who you meet who has so much promise but turns out to be an utter disaster. At first he seems amazing, but a few weeks or a few months in, you realize...he's nothing like you thought. Rather, he's just a big f*ing disappointment.

Now I know this pain, better than most. I've met some serious disappointments in my time. Some are like David, and they seem like they are everything you were ever looking for. Others are like Juan and there is so much build up and initial flirting that you're sure if you ever go out, it'll be magic. Regardless, these guys are a figment of your imagination. Anyone, and I mean anyone, can be wonderful for a few dates. Even Ted Bundy was charming at first!

Nothing hurts worse than disappointment. So be strong and protect your hearts, ladies. Don't believe the hype. It's ok to be hopeful about someone, but don't blind yourself to the signs that Lover Boy is NOT in fact as good as he at first seemed! We often stick it out way longer than we should simply because we are so damned hopeful that this crappy behavior is the anomaly and that Lover Boy is in fact the delightful guy he seemed to be at first.

A rule of thumb to live by: If Lover Boy has been crap for more dates than he's been great, accept that you were wrong about him and cut your losses. Remember it's not your fault that you saw the best in him...it's his fault for not being able to really be that man.

Love,

Biatch

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Mad Hots

Dear Biatch,

I have the mad hots for a guy I met last week. Am I a ho if I sleep with him?

Danielle

Danielle,

Hooking up with a new guy is AOK as long as you don't expect anything else from him. I've said before to hold off on sex, but that's only when the guy is someone you want a future with. In this scenario, it sounds like Danielle's interest is more physical than anything.

Putting out just for fun is not only tolerated in my book, it's encouraged! It might actually serve to make your loins that much less fiery when Mr. Right comes along. Of course, this is all assuming that you WANT to hook up with him. You should never give in to pressure...this is what you want you little minx!

5 Scenarios in which putting out just for fun is encouraged:
  1. You have nothing in common except for a mutual lust
  2. He's an idiot, but damn he's hot
  3. You're in a foreign country, so he's hot...with an accent!
  4. He's famous (trust me, it makes a great story)
  5. He's too young for you (but of legal age of course), and did I mention he's hot?

Of course always be safe regardless of who he is. For those who call you a ho...they're just jealous. I call you sexually adventurous!

Love,

Biatch

Friday, July 01, 2005

Is it HIM?

Dear Biatch,

I just a met a new guy a month ago. He seems like he could be the man of my dreams. Do you think I could know that so soon?

Kelly

Kelly,

If you meet a guy and you are immediately picking out your china patterns and thinking about how Lover Boy Jr. will have his eyes and your fabulous hair, you are setting yourself up for disaster. We all do it - we are so hopeful that we'll know HIM when we see HIM, that we imagine that every seemingly quality guy we meet is HIM.

Just like he doesn't know you at first, you don't know him. He could be hiding the crazy. He could have a hidden temper. He could be just plain dull after the initial excitement wears off. You just don't know, so don't put too high of expectations on him too soon. It's great to be excited, but if you build him up too much, he's unlikely to be able to live up to your lofty expectations.

David seemed perfect to my friend Alexis. He was handsome, successful, interesting and funny. She was ready to walk down the aisle about a week into knowing him (and said as much to her friends). Two months into knowing him she realized he was THE WORST hookup of all time (no seriously, the worst. I took a survey.) Fortunately she had followed my advice and didn't put out too soon, so the discovery of his ineptitude was quite a shock to poor Alexis. However, the complete inability to please a woman is a deal breaker in her book (and should be in yours, too!), so she realized there simply wasn't a future for them. You can teach a boy new tricks, but you can't teach a 29 year old man that everything he has ever thought he was doing right is in fact horrifyingly WRONG. So David went from future husband to has-been pseudo boyfriend in 2 months flat. A clear indication that at the beginning you simply don't know what his real potential is.

Kelly, Lover Boy here may be The One. Let's hope he is. But you don't do yourself or him any favors by thinking about that right now. Just luxuriate in the beginnings of a great relationship. You have the rest of your life to figure out if he's sticking around for good.

Love,

Biatch